by Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com
Reb Naftali Weinberg in his, “Rav Chaim Kanievsky on Shidduchim” had posed a question to Maran Sar HaTorah about whether one may ask a Shadchan to return the shadchanus if the engagement was broken. Rav Chaim zatzal ruled that one may not.
Broken engagements are never a pleasant item of discussion, and there are often stories about various repercussions of someone who is still angry about the cancellation of the nuptials.� On account of this, it is the custom in Israel for both parties to sign documents of mutual forgiveness.
When dealing with dating someone with a broken engagement, there is no question that one should investigate the reason completely, and make sure that a Shtar Mechila, (a document that states both parties completely forgive each other) was both received and given by both parties.� This was the custom in all of Poland and in many other countries as well (See Sridei Aish Vol. I #91). �The Responsa Sefer Dvar Yehoshua CM Vol. III #5 writes that oral forgiveness does not work � it requires either two witnesses or a written document.
Rav Henoch Leibowitz zatzal, the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim was very strict on this matter too. �Rav Moshe Feinstein zatzal (Even HoAizer Vol. IV #85) writes regarding a case of a broken engagement that a Shtar Mechila is necessary.� It should be noted that a Cherem was placed upon a person who breaks a Shidduch, that is why it is such a serious issue.� Most poskim hold that merely receiving oral forgiveness is not sufficient (Dvar Yehoshua Vol, III CM #5).� Some require a full Bais Din saying Machul lach, Machul Lach, Machul Lach � three times.
The Vilna Gaon wrote that it is preferable to get married and then divorced rather than break up a Shidduch (if it had tnaim).� This does not apply nowadays, but the concept of a broken shidduch is serious.� Below we find the nusach of a Shtar Mechila as formulated by Rav Moshe Shternbuch Shlita of the EIda HaChareidis in Yerushalayim. It should be signed as soon as possible.�� There is, of course, no deadline as to when the form is signed, and it is often done many years later.� However, it is good and proper to do it as soon as possible.
The author can be reached at [email protected].
To read more of Rav Chaim’s Torah go to orchotyosher.org
*** When Rav Chaim zatzal’s Rebbitzen had passed away, Rav Chaim established mussar shiurim in his Sefer Orchos Yosher in her memory. There are now some 800 shiurim throughout eretz yisroel.� If anyone would like to assist in ensuring the continuation of these shiurim, one may contact the author who can put anyone interested in touch with thoe organizing the shiurim.***
THE CHOSSON
??? ????? ??? ???? __________� ?? ____________ ???? ???? ________ ?? _________ ?? ?????? ??? ??? ?????? ?????? ??? ???? ?????? ??????. ????? ??�? ??? _______________
________ ?? _______
THE KALLAH
??? ?????? ??? ???? __________� ?? ____________ ????? ???? ________ ?? _________ ?? ?????? ??? ??? ??????? ?????? ??? ???? ?????? ??????. ????? ??�? ??? _______________
________ ?? _______
1 Response
It would be difficult to draw the conclusion from Igros Moshe that a shtar mechila is always necessary. The case there involved substantial sums that were lost. I am surprised at the superficial treatment of both this source and the entire topic.