My thoughts: (I tried forming a cogent reply, but I’m having a hard time connecting my thoughts, so I’ll just post them in bullet form.)
-You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Thousands of other girls that just got back from their seminary year are struggling with the same identity crisis. I’m off to seminary once this summer is over, iyH, and I’m pretty certain that I’ll be just as confused as you are, this time next year.
-Growth needs to be internal- not just external. Real growth takes place when you realize that your behavior doesn’t match up with your values, and you change your behavior so that it reflects your values. Life is about figuring out what our values are, and working on ourselves to get as close to shleimus as we can get by fixing our behavior.
– I very strongly recommend that you discuss this with a mentor- preferably someone who you’ve spoken to in the past, knows you, and is wise. Remember that generally speaking, people gain wisdom with age- it would be smart to look to a woman who has seen enough of life to be able to advise you properly. If you have never spoken to a mentor figure about personal issues before, now is an excellent time to start! There’s so much potential for good in a mentor/ mentee relationship. 🙂
– Talk to Hashem. He planned every aspect of your life. It is no surprise to Him that you are rethinking your growth, now that you’re home and it’ll take great effort to maintain your new standards for yourself. He is NOT angry at you. He’s your lifeline. Just talk to him.
– I really like what Nechomah said in her above post. I agree with every word of it. Nechomah, you’re amazing! 🙂
– Life is composed of ups and downs. Every up is followed by a down, and every down is followed by an up. Both stages are necessary and normal. Don’t give up on life, or on yourself, just because you’re in a down now. The up will come!
Hold on tight. You can do this.