@rescue
“That means I can think for myself and make choices based off my own thinking and make choices outside any control system _i_ choose cuz that’s a god given right”
Your free will does not in any way change what is right and wrong. That has nothing to do with a strait-jacket and any state of fear and “control system” and whatever else you wrote there. Your G-d-given “right”, as you put it, is to make your best assessment as to what G-d wants – not what you want – and also to G-d forbid violate His will if you choose to do that. But G-d did not give anyone the right to create their own Torah.
Pirkei Avos tells us “asei licha rav” – find for yourself a Torah authority who can properly guide and advise you. In your case, that might be a rebbetzin, if the writing style, etc. are what they seem to be. No strait-jackets. Just your well-advised best efforts to do G-d’s will.