Happiest, I am so sorry that you feel that way. You seem to be in a lot of pain, which you are dealing with as well as you can.
You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are stuck overcoming difficult obstacles when things are looking down. But that doesn’t mean that you are doing great. I am quite confident that you are trying very hard to be the very best ‘happiest’ that you can be. In your situation, one cannot expect better. You are doing the best with the package that you were given.
IY”H, you will reach the stage where it is easier to talk to Hashem and where it is easier to see the good. Right now though, your job is to recognize your goodness, and use your tools to help yourself reach your true potential.
You are on the way! Much hatzlacha!